Checklist
Jathan Janove, Chief Learning Officer
Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching
In No-FEAR—Part One, I explain the No–FEAR technique for mastering difficult conversations. You can learn about it here. Part Two addresses the challenge of converting cognition into sustained behavior change.
The No–FEAR technique is simple. Anyone can learn it quickly. Unfortunately, simple doesn’t mean easy. As a coach, trainer and consultant, I’ve learned that people must practice the technique in order to master it. This column addresses common mistakes when people intend to apply the technique, but it doesn’t work.
1. When used properly, the technique keeps your amygdala in check and lets you remain in your prefrontal cortex – even when the other person is operating through their amygdala. The goal is to move from emotional finger-pointing to joint solution-oriented thinking – how to make things better for both parties. Before you initiate the conversation, take some deep breaths, calm yourself and remember to keep your prefrontal cortex engaged.
2. Don’t wing it. When I help people prepare for a difficult conversation, I insist that they write out word for word what their Frame will be. I also have them write their first Explore question. This helps ensure that while the conversation starts with candor, it doesn’t become adversarial.
3. Once you’re engaged, don’t forget to continue using the EAR method, focusing especially on Explore and Acknowledge while resisting your desire to leap to Respond.
4. If the other person responds in a way that bothers you, instead of getting upset and having an amygdala hijack, do what I call the No-FEAR within a No-FEAR. Use the A to confirm your understanding of what they just said. Next, do another Frame, a succinct, matter-of-fact statement of why you find their response problematic. Then immediately pivot to the E.
5. Resist the tendency to get stuck in the rearview mirror. Keep the conversation focused on the front windshield. Whatever happened in the past that caused relationship problems, it should remain in the past. The goal is a mutually agreed path forward.
6. Before ending the conversation, confirm understandings, agreements and commitments, and thank the other person for helping solve the problem. Optional: Do a Same-Day Summary as described here; only make sure you tell them it will be coming. No surprises!
If the No–FEAR technique interests you and you’re wise enough to know that cognition alone won’t get the job done, you are welcome to attend our online Coach Dojo where we practice these techniques. Our next Dojo is on April 27th. You can register for free here. To learn dates of future Dojos, visit the Events page at mgscc.net.
Remember: Practice! Practice! Practice!
Jathan Janove, MGSCC Chief Learning Officer, is the author, most recently, of “The HR Renaissance: From Legal Guard to Growth Partner.”
