Resolving the Conflicts of Others

Dear Debra,

When I’m called upon to help resolve the conflicts of others, I follow these steps.

Step One: Assessment

Step Two: Identify causes

Step Three: Set the rules of engagement

Step Four: Confirm key points and commitments

Step Five: Send a Same Day Summary

Step One: I interview each party to the conflict and key stakeholders (colleagues, managers or others affected by the conflict.) I do these interviews separately. I also review relevant written communication such as email or text exchanges. The purpose is to gather enough information to enable me to be helpful in my role as mediator/facilitator.

Step Two: I identify what I think are the sources of the conflict. Is it an unaddressed, unsolved grievance from the past? Is it a personality difference? Is it cultural? Is it structural such as misalignment in jobs or incentives?

Step Three: I bring the parties together and provide an overview of my understanding of the conflict (without expressing an opinion as to who is right or wrong). I discuss options, which include (a) maintaining the miserable status quo, (b) a hostile “divorce,” (c) an amicable “divorce,” or (d) hitting the relationship reset button with reciprocal commitments going forward. I also add my non-negotiable ground rules:

• Candor – no elephant in the room left behind
• Active listening using the EAR method
• Civility at all times
• Primary focus on front windshield, not rearview mirror

Step Four: Assuming the parties (hopefully) end up with option (d), or sometimes even with option (c), I get clarity on the path forward. Who is going to do what by when? If the parties agree to hit the relationship-reset button, I have them get specific about the behaviors they will henceforth commit to engage in and the behaviors they will commit not to engage in. We also establish future relationship check-in points.

Step Five: After the meeting, I prepare and send to the parties a Same Day Summary. It confirms the commitments going forward, including the parties’ agreement to hold themselves and each other accountable.

The good news Debra is that most conflicts can be resolved constructively. It’s not necessarily easy yet when it happens, everyone wins.

Best regards,

Jathan

Jathan Janove is a Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching Master Coach and Practice Leader. You can learn more about him here. If you have a question you’d like him to address, please email us at AsktheCoach@mgscc.net.