Jathan Janove, Chief Learning Officer
Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching
In the twilight of a long career, I often reflect on the past. Among my most pleasant professional memories: When I helped others hit the relationship reset button. The key: When trust dissolves, the parties inevitably fill in gaps with assumptions, which are usually inaccurate and negative. As facilitator, that’s where I focus. Here’s the three-step approach I take.
Step One: Assessment
Step Two: Rules of engagement
Step Three: Same Day Summary
Step One: I interview each party to the conflict and key stakeholders (others affected by the conflict.) I do these interviews separately and confidentially. I also review relevant written communication such as email or text exchanges. The purpose is to identify sources of the conflict. Is it an unaddressed, unresolved grievance from the past? Is it a personality difference? Is it cultural? Is it structural such as misalignment in jobs or incentives?
Step Two: I bring the parties together and provide an overview of my understanding of the conflict (without expressing an opinion as to who is right or wrong). I discuss options, which include (a) maintaining the miserable status quo, (b) a hostile “divorce,” (c) an amicable “divorce,” or (d) hitting the relationship reset button with reciprocal behavioral commitments going forward. I add non-negotiable ground rules:
• Civility at all times.
• Candor – no elephant in the room left behind.
• Active listening using the EAR and No-FEAR methods with a Same Day Summary, as described here.
• Primary focus on front windshield, not rearview mirror – solutions vs. blame.
Step Three: Assuming the parties arrive at option (d), I get clarity on the path forward. I have the parties get specific about the behaviors they will henceforth engage in and the behaviors they will henceforth not engage in. We also establish future check-in points. After the meeting, I prepare and send to the parties a Same Day Summary that confirms commitments going forward.
Conclusion: Not every conflict can be resolved with option (d). Sometimes, the feelings are too deep to be reconciled, and sometimes the parties are better off saying “goodbye.” Yet even in these situations, as conflict resolution facilitator, you can provide a valuable service. An amicable parting of the ways is always preferable to the alternative. And besides, you’d be surprised how often seemingly intractable problems can become tractable.
PS: If you’d like to read more about these tools and other coaching practices, click the Resources page on the MGSCC.net website.
Jathan Janove is a former attorney previously recognized by his State Bar as “Employment Lawyer of the Year.” Currently, he serves as Chief Learning Officer for Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching, a worldwide executive leadership coaching organization. He is the author, most recently, of The HR Renaissance: From Legal Guard to Growth Partner.
