Dear Coach,
There’s so much negativity these days; it’s depressing. I’ve been reading appeals to “civility.” What do you think?
Best,
William
Dear William,
I agree that we’re in especially vitriolic times, and a return to civility would be fantastic. The best lesson in civility comes from Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, whose ability to negotiate and persuade was instrumental in the Colonies, the Confederation, and then the United States, as well as in Great Britain, and perhaps most importantly, France.
In his autobiography, Franklin describes his transformation from brilliant, aggressive debater to negotiator and persuader. Although the word does not appear in his book; I’d make case that he personified civility.
Franklin wrote:
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbid myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc., and I adopted, instead of them, I conceive, I apprehend, or I imagine a thing to be so or so, or it so appears to me at present. When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition; and in answering, I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I
engaged in went on more pleasantly.
The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier
reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to
be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their
mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.
Wow!
In my work as an executive coach, HR consultant and conflict resolution facilitator, I continually return to these words. When I do, good always follows. When I stray, the opposite.
In these polarizing times, here’s my suggestion: Either memorize Ben’s words of wisdom or print and post them as relentless reminders.
If there’s one thing our society could use, it would be civility. Founding Father Benjamin Franklin shows us the way.
Jathan Janove is a Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching Master Coach and author of the best-selling book, The HR Renaissance
Click on the link below to learn more about Stakeholder Centered Coaching®, or speak with a program advisor to answer your questions, address any concerns, and help you decide if this is the right step for you.
