Passive Aggression and Verbal Aikido

Dear Cathy,

Perhaps one of the greatest frustrations employees experience is passive aggression.

Here are three examples:

• To your face, Jim is always polite and friendly. Yet you hear from others that he’s been saying a lot of negative things about you.
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• You ask Sara to paint the wall green and she agrees. When she’s finished, you notice that the wall is green yet it’s dotted with pink, something Sara never mentioned she was going to add.
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• Bill promises to do X by Y date and fails to do so. He’s ready with an excuse. This has become a pattern to the point that when he makes excuse, you know it’s a guarantee of repeat future behavior.
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How do you deal with these kinds of non-overt aggressions?

In a previous column, I wrote about using verbal Aikido to handle verbal attacks. Essentially, when somebody attacks you verbally, instead of fight or flight you engage. You blend with the attack causing the attacker to struggle with their balance while you maintain yours, and to expend energy while you conserve yours. Eventually, they get confused and tired and that’s when you can resolve things without getting hurt and without having to hurt the attacker.

The problem with passive aggression, however, is that there’s no attack. The person doesn’t provide that opening burst of energy with which you can engage, blend and channel. So what do you do?

I spoke with an Aikido Sensei who addressed the problem in physical terms. He recommended initiating an attack designed to anger but not injure the other person. You do just enough to provoke a counterattack, which gives you the energy to work with.

This principle can be applied with verbal Aikido. You say something to the passive aggressor designed to anger or annoy them just enough to provoke a response, but not to cause lasting hurt.

Example (using the above scenarios): “Jim, I’ve heard some very disturbing information about you and I’m very upset. Although you’re polite and respectful to my face, it’s become obvious you are disrespecting me to others. What do you have to say?”

Example: “Sara, I’m quite upset about that wall. I asked you to paint it green and you agreed. You never said a word about pink dots. I’m guessing that’s some form of hostility toward me. What do you have to say?”

Example: “Bill, this is part of a pattern where you repeatedly promise, fail to deliver, and make excuses. I don’t believe you’re sincere when you make promises and as a result, I can’t trust or rely on you. What do you have to say?”

Note in all three examples you’re being pretty direct and even aggressive yet you’re not taking it to the level of hurt or injury. You don’t yell, scream or swear. Instead, you give them an early opening to respond, using an open-ended, non judgmental question as I describe in this column and that column on the No-FEAR technique.

Your goal is not to hurt the person but to trigger enough emotion for them to come out of their passive aggressive shell and say something with which you can engage.

For those of you intrigued with the concept of a Aikido, I encourage you to learn more about it and as I did engage a sensei to give you some lessons on the mat. Verbal Aikido has been a wonderful game changer for me in my career. I predict that if you make the investment, it will do so in yours.

Best,

Jathan

Jathan Janove is a Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching Master Coach and Practice Leader. His latest book is The HR Renaissance: From Legal Guard to Growth Partner.

If you have a question you’d like him to address, please email us at AsktheCoach@mgscc.net.