The No-FEAR Conversation Cheat Sheet

Dear Andrea,

Thank you for this suggestion. When I role-play the No-FEAR conversation technique with coaching clients, these are my most frequent “coaching moment” interruptions.

Tip One: Breathe
Tip Two: Prepare in advance your Frame and first E question
Tip Three: Use the EAR Cheat Sheet
Tip Four: Be prepared to do a No-FEAR within a No-FEAR
Tip Five: Maintain a front windshield perspective
Tip Six: Confirm understandings and express thanks
Tip Seven: (Optional) Same Day Summary

Tip One. Tough conversations can put us in a limbic state. Unfortunately, the No–FEAR method won’t work if you are in fight, flight or freeze mode. When I sense anxiety with the upcoming conversation, I have my client pause and take several deep, slow breaths.

Tip Two. Don’t wing it. I have my coaching clients literally sketch out word for word what the Frame will be and what that very first open-ended E question will be.

Tip Three. The cheat sheet I prepared for the EAR applies equally here. Keep both cheat sheets at the ready.

Tip Four. When you master this step, you’ll have mastered the No–FEAR method.  After you initiate the conversation, if the other person responds in a problematic way such as a refusal to take responsibility, denial of reality or nasty counterattack, don’t let it go. Confirm with them what they just said using the A and then immediately pivot into a new Frame, in which you succinctly state what troubles you about their response. Pivot again with an open-ended E question.

Tip Five. For a No–FEAR conversation to be productive, the parties don’t have to agree on the past. It’s okay to disagree on what happened or who’s responsible so long as there is a clear agreement on the path ahead. Don’t get stuck in the rearview mirror; keep the focus on the road ahead.

Tip Six. Once you have an agreement on the path forward, be sure to confirm it. And express thanks for the way in which they handled the conversation. Constructive closure is extremely important.

Tip Seven. In many cases a follow-up Same Day Summary makes a lot of sense. Just be sure to let them know it will be coming so it’s not a surprise.|

Here’s a bonus tip for you Andrea: If you are contemplating a challenging conversation, it can be helpful to do an advance rehearsal with a trusted friend, colleague or family member. Sketch the situation and have them pretend they’re on the receiving end of the No–FEAR. Ask them to play the role as if they were the other person.

Best regards,

Jathan