Dear Coach,
Is there a way to reconcile seemingly irreconcilable differences?
Best,
Jeanne
Dear Jeanne,
Recently, I have worked with people where many years of close friendship or kinship were threatened to be fractured for good.
Examples:
- – One of us thinks President Trump is good for the country while the other thinks he is the worst thing that ever happened to it.
- – One of us is a strong supporter of Israel as a Jewish State and feel its response to October 7, 2023, was justified, while the other feels that what Israel has done amounts to genocide and that it’s an apartheid state with Jews as the white South Africans.
- – There’s a family issue on which our views are intensely passionate, yet polar opposite.
Can such relationships be reconciled?
The key is if the parties still see value in the relationship notwithstanding their differences. If so, there needs to be a mutual commitment to the following: Either (A) we never discuss this topic with each other or in each other’s presence; or (B) we discuss it with an active listening, curiosity-based approach as described here. This means no argument, debate or even desire to make a point; the only objective is to gain a better understanding of the other person’s position.
Jeanne, I’m by no means suggesting that this approach is easy. It may fail and with it, the relationship. However, it has worked before when relationships that would have otherwise ended bitterly were preserved.
Think of it this way: If the relationship is heading toward the rocks anyway, why not give it a try? What do you have to lose?
Best,
Jathan
Jathan Janove is a Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching Master Coach and Practice Leader. You can download his latest book here for free.
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