Dear Coach,
What’s your explanation for why we human beings so often make the wrong decision when dealing with relationship problems?
Best,
Janet
Dear Janet
Although I’m not a neuroscientist, from what I’ve learned, I think neuroscience provides the answer.
I recently listened to a podcast discussing the difference between “instinct” and “intuition.” Instinct is the instantaneous reaction to something we don’t like. It goes right to the more primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, which is our threat recognition center. The amygdala no doubt served us well in prehistoric times. However, it presents problems when dealing with today’s relationship challenges, whether at work, home, or elsewhere.
The amygdala instantly puts us in fight, flight, or freeze mode. It shuts down the reasoning center of our brain, the prefrontal cortex. It says, “Now is not the time for reasoning, analysis, or thinking. React!” That’s instinct-dominant.
By contrast, intuition is a more deliberate, developed feeling where it isn’t just left up to the amygdala. Generally speaking, we are much better off putting instinct on hold and allowing our intuition to develop.
A related way of looking at this is what University of Chicago researchers call the “Solomon Paradox,” which is named after King Solomon, who was considered incredibly wise when advising or counseling others. But in his own personal decisions, he was a disaster.
Researchers took one group of people and asked them what they would do if personally confronted with a serious relationship problem. They asked a different group the same question with a variation. Instead of “What would you do?” it was “What would you say to a close friend who has that problem and asks for your advice?”
Researchers found that people in the it’s happening to me group considered less information, failed to identify options, and were rigid in their thinking compared to people in the advise someone else group. Hence the name Solomon Paradox.
In my 45 years dealing with workplace relationship issues, I’ve encountered this phenomenon about a gazillion times. It’s practically universal. Based on overall life experience, I would say this phenomenon is by no means limited to the workplace. Whenever a relationship problem arises, instinct takes over, and it’s almost never a good thing for anyone.
So the moral of the story, Janet, is this: When you experience a relationship problem or challenge, put your instinct on hold; instead, call a friend and rely on your reasoned intuition.
Best,
Jathan
Jathan Janove is a Marshall Goldsmith Stakeholder Centered Coaching Master Coach and Practice Leader. You can learn more about him here.
